mountain mama: September 2006

county fair

sunday found us at the fair. hours of spinning - giggly - viewing fun.

daddy pat helping to steer.

the parents watch as the children fly. we met up with our good friends john, penny, and their gal tabby.

so much to take in - he sat content - and took in the sights and sounds and the healthier carny foods.

we had told her to look around and think about what she REALLY wanted to do and she could pick one ride...

she rode six...

so hard to deny a child with excited wonder in her eyes...

when god dies - spiritual musing of a five yr. old

"when god dies, i'm gonna be queen of the world"

and why not little one - you are young enough that it is still possible. i shall not break that bubble... i will not tell you different.

"mother earth doesn't take things away from us right? ... but maybe mother earth accepts things... like maybe when i die, i'll be mother earth... and i won't steal things. but if some gives me something i will..."

yes little one. it sounds good to me. so when your soul comes back you think it will be mother earth?

"well maybe i will be an aligator dinosour... but i won't hurt anyone. just because i don't want to hurt anyone."

you are so little. and your soul too big for your body to contain... some days it spills out so fiercly and none of us know how to handle the excess.
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how to impart spirituality without religion has been a struggle for us. we pick and choose what fits and snugs. let the mystic movements run their course. but how to pass that on to out brood? th5 is our spirit baby and so in tune with the higher powers. she asks questions out of the blue and draws her own conclusions. and yet i worry that we just aren't exposing her enough. not setting up traditions that will shape their faith.
already she is piecing bits together - and teaching us so much. i remember seeing things as black and white. possible. impossible. i miss that about my faith. yet i'm glad it's gone and able to see the grey as well...
what resposibilty have we taken on - to impart a wisdom greater than our own without crushing (bruising) the true spirit that is embodied in our children. a flimsy quiver rope we walk. this human experience. human and hungry.
a hunger i desire to fill. realizing my job is to listen and step back. nod and admire. respect and withhold my own cynicism. answer the questions but with more wonder and less absolute. learning as we go. living as we grow.

alaska bound

about a month ago pat and i started talking about moving up to alaska. pack up the zoo. seek out a new adventure in the little town of talkeetna. for you tv watchers of fine taste - this is the town that northern exposure was based upon and modeled after. a town of -700 yr. round populants on the edge of the denali.
i knew better than to wrap my heart around the idea - as we tend to make and break plans faster than the mtn weather changes... and yet... somehow. i have.
not that we have ruled it out - but the music thing is starting to roll again - and the idea of a move is looking more and more like a distant dream.
this has caused quite an emotional upheaval for me. a catalyst. i was content on the mtn. and now... i'm torn.
i was rooted to this spot six months ago. today i am prepared to sell our belongings - pack a covered wagon - and treck through this vast land to a new frontier. i wake up at night craving salmon. i want the kids to taste life. a life bigger than what we can show them here.
it's so easy to create that actuality in a faraway fantasy land.
and then that little voice whispers... the realities sink deep... the idea of wintering it with small children frightens me... i remind myself that not long ago i wanted so badly to move to guatamala. i check my motives and ask myself 'am i just wanting an escape'? perhaps. and yet..
i want to go. begin again and live. refusing to settle for a life of routine and comfort. refusing to trudge along where we are - always wishing we had done it just a little bit differently.
knowing deep down location is only a part of it. the scenery would change indeed. but would we? really? bound for... can turn to... bound by... in a thump.
and yet... and yet... the theme song plays on in my mind. the camera pans out and a cariboo takes a few slow steps...

mind churning

it seems as though my mind is not only back but trying to make up for lost time... i have been composing stuffs in my brain the last few days and wanting to write. the problems being lack of time to sit and jot, deciding what to compose, and tonight a rather large brownie has fogged my mental capacities...
none the less i am writing. to myself, all day as i go about the routine.
i thought it may be fun to have a little vote as to what the readers want to read... so here are a few post titles and we'll take a tally. and just as an extra challenge to myself i'll write a lil bit about that... usually i just write what pops out of my head at the moment with no editing of any sort. some pre-thought may totally scew the project - but let's try it shall we. your comment is your vote. ladida... now to come up with a few titles to somewhat capture the thought behind them...

"just another poor boy"
"a father's hand"
"alaska bound"
"goodbye to the bear"
"when god dies"

okay there are a few to get the ball rollin'... just for kicks and grins - i'll allow alternate titles to be voted on and i'll say something to suit that. whatever. i need sleep. g'night

bronze

remember when folks dipped thier baby booties in bronze? ladida. i'm playing tonight with photos. having fun... enjoy.
by the by ----> allow me to bring to your attention "art colony" over in the linky links. new art collaboration bloggin goodness. as loyal fans, you may be happy to see a photo or two of mine pop up there now and again.

too big too fast

she is growing up too fast. too fast...

cycle broken

moment of truth here. the last few weeks found me in a viscious cycle. overwhelmed is the word i used as i battled the others from my mind. words like depression. words like frustrated. annoyed. intolerant. tired. hormonal. and bitter...
i felt like the photo. grey. misty. on a downward grade that unlike the sign would last much much longer than the promised five miles.

everyone told me to eat. everyone told me it was normal to feel this way with babes in the house. everyone told me to rest. offers of help poured in.
i didn't *feel* like eating. i wasn't hungry. no - it couldn't be normal to want to give your kids to the next passing stranger. i was falling fast and hard and i hated who i was... a good day was a numb day. a cycle. a cycle...

and now. i'm eating. the hunger triggers are back and i obey. my milk supply is boosted and my baby is sleeping again and allowing me some rest. i've accepted the help and not felt guilty. i feel human again. happy indeed. singing to my wild monkeys and enjoying my life...

my life as a sleepy forgetful mama.

weeks end

words

i've been leaning heavily on the camera lately. post a few photos every few days - keep it on the surface. easy. safe. ya'll don't really want to hear the words. words that have flown from my lips... words i'm scared to even think outloud. just words? or not... won't go there tonight.
tonight i can say two good days in a row and i feel human again. two days in a row i haven't sprung a leak, spat out syllables, or menatlly broken all the dishes and run away... and that makes me happy. happy enough to share it publicly.