*so* quiet

greetings loyal readers. whomever you may be... things here on the mtn. have been nutts.
the days hot and blinding. the nights cool and clear. we are in the throws of packing. sorting. decision UN-making. to add to the chaos i've found myself with four kiddos in my care most days. i take one step forward. two back. you've heard the tale... today was supposed to be a day off. a day to really get stuff done. it turned into a kid day. four under six. nothing getting accomplished. so i sat on the couch and read and munched carrots while they tore the house apart and unpacked boxes. and despite my personality i rather enjoyed myself.
i've been silent as of late. but things are well. if completely out whack- well just the same.
we closed a diner on monday. our living situation is up in the air. jh 8mo is cutting two new teeth. everyone's sleep patterns are off. the digital cam is acting funky. there are 4-5 kids in the house at any given moment. the house is a wreck. piles and piles... did i mention the heat? yadada
transitions are fun, no? one day at a time. that's where i am. here. there. a little bit o everywhere. stay tuned. it's bound to get interesting. peace tonight. i'm off to get some rest.


from the great beyond

every grandma has a smell. since my dad's mom died i have smelled her twice. that distinct *no way to describe - and no way to replicate* smell.
this morn i was a bit meloncholy over missing my dad's retirement ceremony. i would have loved to have been there. instead i was home with my sick babies. piles of laundry. a list too long to tackle...
i went into to my closet and grandma was there. that smell. so strong... it was a hug from beyond. a whisper in my ear. 'we are there in spirit' she says. 'i had six kids' she says. 'you are strong' she says. 'look at where you came from' she says. and 'yes i still pray for every one of you by name'... i hadn't really known her. i haven't really mourned her. she hasn't really gone.

a new chapter

this morning my dad retired. too many years to count in the USN. thanks dad! thanks for the experiences. thanks for showing us the world. thanks for the years of service and sacrifice. somehow despite the uniform you've remained true to your mystical self. teacher. seeker. guide. guru. i love you.


moment of truth

here i am. trying to quickly down two eggrolls. catch up. reconnect.
it has been a blasted few weeks... i've been stressed. DE-preSSed. it's been hot! welcome to arizona. it's dry. i took four pregger-tests over the last two weeks. all negative. thank the gods above below and hovering all about. i halfway wanted a positive though. i was being a bad mama and downright bitchy. i really needed an explanation and a scapegoat for the way i was feeling and acting. like i told my sis - what better than to blame my next unborn! welcome little ones to a really f*ck*d up world. coming to grips with the fact that no - my hormones are just really whacky now. i'm stressed out. burnt up. and tired. oh so very tired.
so ladida... sunday the cloud lifted and i have been happy and at peace. more or less. yesterday the kids got sick. i am running on the 30 mins of sleep/anythingelse - 30mins of walking baby cycle. which now gives me about six more mins to wrap this up... and take a shower.
i'm a smelly mama too. i can handle this now. if the kids were ill last week i would be in australia now. ALONE!
from one sweaty mama to the world out there - love love love!
*he's got a timer built in - and no shower tonight! sigh...


the circus

two weeks ago. so long ago. took the monkeys to the circus...
was a beautiful spring eve under the bigtop

all the 'wild' animals


no ship comin' in

It's all breaking down
Crushed into the ground
But I will love you forever
It's falling apart
Hopeless and dark
But we're gonna see it
Through together
Caught in a landslide
Earthquakes and high tides
It's gonna be a rough ride
But I'll stay by your side
By grace we remain
With hands in the flame
But I will love you forever
Times may be hard
We're crippled and scarred
But we're gonna see it through together
(we're gonna see it through)
Dreams of a lifetime
Way past the deadline
We're pushing up an incline
But I believe we'll be just fine
No money to spend
(hard times are comin' again)
No ship comin' in
(We're here through the thick and the thin)
But we're gonna see it through together
Caught in a landslide
Earthquakes and high tides
It's gonna be a rough ride
But I'll stay by your side
t's all breaking down
(Times might be getting too hard)
Crushed into the ground
(Maybe we're crippled and scarred
But I will love you forever
No money to spend
No ship coming in
But we're gonna see it
Through together
*No Ship Coming In (Terry Taylor)



lately so much to do. much too much to say. i've done a bit. said less. out of balance.

last night i stepped out of the drag just long enough to remember- into a sweet sweet haven

where wisdom and knowledge live without words
where one look is love

where laughter heals where the little things reign supreme


these days

we do let him out... but he eats the rocks.
it's easier this way
with uncle G - and a nice handful of dirt in his mouth
when i was a kid - trampolines were called nasty ol' matresses!


for my mama

because i've never given you roses
fire and ice planted for you on this day
i love you. and thank you. happy mama's day.

goodbye ol' blues

for my mother. myeslf. my lover and my children. friday night. under the light. swelling moon. smoked my last.



sometimes words hurt.
sometimes things come out when you are most tired.
sometimes a snuggle helps. sometimes it doesn't.
learning as we go. practice. patience. pleas.
this child. my child. i hear you. sleep well. tomorrow is another day...


flipsided sighs

when we were growing up we used to joke about calling 911. we would complain about having to go to an art class or some such and mom would tell us to call 911 and turn her in for child abuse. it was funny THEN. now i'm the mom.
tonight th5 was upset at me. we had tacos for dinner and she wanted another before bed. would be fine except we ate everything.
"mom, i want you to call the police. and i want to talk to them and tell them to put you in jail."
so it begins.

his favorite game

he's learned to make us laugh

his favorite game
squish. grin. spit.


bring out the clowns

not my photo*
spinnin around. spinnin around. life's just a three ring circus. no slowin down. it's crazy out there and you know it. rehearse til you bleed and you still take a fall. maybe this time the net will hold. tent's up one day and down the next. very little rest, no time to rest, why would you need rest? you're under the big top now. spinnin around. spinnin around. learnin to love the dizzy, queasy, light flashinn, song blarin, kid screamin, peanut eatin days.


eye of the driver

driving out to the new property...
through a dirty windshield...
this is my view. sunset softens the harsh reality. the desert's meloncholy moments.

highs and lows

not much makes me happier than photos in. two rolls back yesterday. oh happy day! not much makes me more upset than new growth devoured by baby grasshoppers. sad morning in the greenhouse!
here are some shots - scanned in - meaning really nasty scan lines. but it'll give a rough idea of our last few weeks. enjoy.


first time for everything

perhaps it comes on the heels of mom telling me i should write for our paper. perhaps i've needed to spice up my life. perhaps i don't have enough to do... BUT... i went to city council meeting tonight. i heard the public outcry. and i wrote a letter to the editor. here it is in all it's ramble ramble glory. and if it only gets published here at least i can sleep (in my hour long stretches) knowing i did a little something....
To my community -
As a mother of two small children who play our parks regularly, as a child who grew up in the midst of Bisbee’s finest, I say no to the ambassadors club. Please do the same.
Last week we were in the train park and there was a man sitting on the bench. Call him what you will. He watched the kids with a huge smile on his face. As we readied to go he said "Thank you. It is so nice to see children in the park. You don’t know how you have made my day."
Not once have we felt threatened, harassed, or unsafe. I bring my children to play. I also use the opportunity to teach my children. These ‘vagrants’ are our neighbors. They are our friends. They are welcome.
To the Museum -
In the 1900's Bisbee was the "white man’s mining camp." The Chinese were not allowed to settle here. Were not allowed to work here for fear the would steal work from others. Mexicans were not allowed underground. You know this. This is our history, but it is not one we need to recreate. Remember the past. Promote and celebrate the present.
To Mr. Page -
You have opened an "authentic Mexican" restaurant .Have you not been across the border? It doesn’t get more authentic than vagrants & panhandlers taking siesta in the park. You have done well in this town. Don’t dig yourself a pit. One pit is tragic enough for this small town.
To the city of Bisbee -
If this proposal does come into being, it should be funded privately. Even the minutemen provide their own apparel and cell phones.
To the tourists and new residents -
Take a look around. You are here to get away from wherever it is you’ve come. Your comfort zone does not exist here. Relax. Enjoy. You will find many folks willing to answer any of your questions. You will find pockets of beauty where you least expect. We are a diverse community. We are the moms and dads. The young and the old. The rich and the poor. The bureaucrats and bums. The artists and collectors. The law abiding and the outlaws. We are easy to recognize. We are the ones without vests and we welcome you.

ultimate authority

she had been saying "someone told me..."
"someone told me it is good to eat ice cream whenever you want... someone told me that when it is dark five yr olds can be out alone, but little kids have to stay by the house... etc etc". finally i had to say "sometimes what someone says isn't always true."
it started the other day. the calling down of the divine.
"gum is good for kids to have when they eat real food. god told me that. really - god told me that!"
and just what do you do with that one? nobody in their right mind would dare argue with that - telling a five yr old she didn't hear the voice of an almighty. and she's just smart enough not to play the god card on BIG issue items. she calls him in on the little things - that she'd likely get anyway - but why not have some insurance?
"god told me that you don't have to take a bath when you are just dirty. but you do when you are filthy." well okay - if god told you...

*my digicam is dead and this is an OLD photo. new batts mean a trip into another dimension and spending money i'd rather eat. it may be quite here for a few days. love love