Angel flying too close to the Ground

sometimes he plays for me. sometimes a song to make me smile. a song to make me blush. sometimes he sences the barometric pressure building. days and days building... so he sings a song that will bring the rain. the cleansing rain... sometimes he hears what i've held silent. sometimes he sees what i hide. always he knows. tonight he played. tonight i rained.
If you had not have fallen
Then I would not have found you
Angel flying too close to the ground
And I patched up your broken wing
And hung around a while
Tried to keep your spirits up
While you were feelin' down
I knew someday that you would fly away
For love's the greatest healer to be found
So leave me if you need to
I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground
Fly on, fly on past the speed of sound
I'd rather see you up
Than see you down
Leave me if you need to
I will still remember
Angel flying too close to the ground
*willie nelson


this land is our land

going out to the property. she opens the gate. closes the gate. she helps drive the bumpy road. it's a tradition i've grown to love...
when i met Pat he was living in a bus out in the desert. just ten miles from my mountain, but sometimes it seems like another world completely. flat. dry and dusty. harsh and rather unforgiving land. the vegetation- thorny. but the sunsets are unbelievable. the nights wide open and quiet. no power lines running overhead. no phone lines. just a whole lotta room to run. we are now in the planning stages of a home out there. i wrestle with this. i have the opportunity to practice what i preach in living off the land. off the grid. in a homestead we develop as a family. and this scares me. i have grown comfortable on the mountain. i feel secure in the control i have here. it's mine. when i'm out there i feel i'm on foreign territory. his.
this morning i had an appt. in town and left the kids with pat. pulling up to the turnoff to the property i saw my family. walking. talking. being. and there was peace. more than that - a realization of something bigger than 'mine' or 'his'... this land. it's ours. an empty canvas...

for the first time i saw the picture he's been trying to describe. as th5 would say ...
'it made my heart very happy."


it isn't enough

it's your unmentionable birthday. when i heard the number i was shocked. noooo... really? it doesn't seem possible. you are still the wild and crazy. the singer of made up songs. the hysterical laugher. the wild emotion crier. the impulsive. the steadfast.
our lives would be a bit duller without you. Possibly much more predictable but more passe.
words are not enough. gifts are not enough. how can i repay a lifetime of sacrifice and investment?
if i have given back one thing - it is this. two grandchildren. and i can retell your story. Mimic you in song. i can say 'now i know. now i understand. i appreciate it all. i thank you.'
but then it's i who benefits most.
i can't count the tears. the hugs. the laughter. the dollars spent at our thrift shops. the walks. or the glass we've collected. but i know - even if i could - it wouldn't be enough. not enough to say i love you. to show how much i admire you. to thank you for putting up with me through the years.
so i will sing 'the cannibal king' a million times. i will tell wild tales. i will try to be a little more spontaneous and allow myself some embarrassment. i will cry a little harder and laugh a little louder. you've taught me what a mother is - and i can only try to honor that.
on your birthday. i cherish another year. mom. it's love.


Happy Birthday to you...

so many miles seperate us yet you'll always have a hand on my shoulder.
i miss you. love you. my sister. the best friend a gal could ask for. happy birthday.


mountain weather

sunday a blizzard and three inches of snow.
the first snow of the year.

and just when everything was starting to bloom...

morning cup

reading - it's a scene i see more and more these days. yesterday's selection.
a book of manners. nice.

my day starts at 5:00 am. bread is made. coffee brews. laundry tumbles.the turtle chews on a spatula. papa bear readies himself for work. the five yr old monkey sleeps. i steal a look at a crossword. send the man out the door and check email. just when i consider climbing back in bed the sun is up. the monkey is stirring. the baby is scootin and rootin for breakfast... another day begins.


freight train. freight train...

some days i just want off this train. just when things are starting to fall back into place - wham.
train rolls on. i miss much of the scenery. too fast too fast. a bit too wobbly. i get my footing - lurch. i catch a glimpse - it's passed.
let me off. let me catch my breath and feel the earth beneath my feet. just a few minutes is all i ask. okay - a day.


still kickin

breathing again after a few oddballl weeks. putting a dent in the slack heap of my abode. mental gears have been churning. cream to butter. buzzing buzzing buzzing. in a day or two i will tell the story that wants to be told. i will post photos of the growing brood. i will reply to email. i will reconnect. for now i'm enjoying the time away from the computer.


good morning moon

jh5mo. woke me up at 5am today. he did not want to play quietly in his bed. he did not want to snuggle in mine. he made it clear - we would watch the first light of sun illuminate the moon setting below the mountains. we would listen to the birds waking. we would not sit. we would not rock. we would stand at the window and watch. good morning moon. good morning world. we've been lazy lately. sleeping in, we've missed you. it was a beautiful reunion.



twice already i've tried to post the mon. installment. but the winds are crazy today and we've had several power surges - two while i was writing... grr. perhaps this is a story to be told at a later date anyway. it was an intersting day to say the least. i'm on my third attempt now to attach a photo - it's just not working out any which way today... i'll give it ONE more go.


we drove into this town and when th5 saw the cathedral she hung out the window and yelled "wow. we are in disneyland! it's disneyland! this is so exciting!"

the hot springs were well worth the trip. this was the largest of about four pools. we had the place to ourselves. after our soak the kiddos crashed out in the car and we set out on a search for coffee. the drive home was less eventful as we took a major hwy back north. we did get stopped twice by soldiers and our car searched. at the last checkpoint we took the kids out and witnessed eight soldiers melt. behind cammo and guns - eyes softened at the sight of an infant in tyedye and a little blonde barefoot shirtless girl playing in the dirt. when it was fine to leave we herad over and over "thank you my friend, thank you my friend". by that time a migrane was coming on and i had no energy to take photos. i missed so many photo ops this trip as i was preoccupied with maps and taking it all in. we will have to go back.


a propane tanker ran off the road and fell 80 ft. into a ravine off the hwy. the view from the deck was intence. we were asked to leave our home around 9:45 am. they didn't know if the tank would blow. the smoke you see is from the cab burning. i heard the tires blow - like cannons.
wed. afternoon they started burning off the propane in the tank. estimated time was 20 hrs. thurs. we heard they may be done by 1pm. around 4pm we broke through the barracades and went home. fri. morn they were still burning... finally done around 10am and the hwy reopened at 11. with the winds being what they were - this could have been MUCH worse. we are thankful. i HEAR they have only taken a break and will burn the rest out on mon. and pull the tanker out. driver suffered little injuries - but after the crash was seen walking on top of the 9,300 gal tank with the cab burning. how stupid is that?!?


pop quiz

an update of our week to come soon - complete with photos for your viewing pleasure. in the meantime a quiz... a situational quiz with a bonus math problem...

1. when you are in a different country and have verbal directions, two road maps, two atlases, and none correspond to what you see - what do you do?

2. if after 7 hrs in the car you finally reach your destination and there is a locked ranch gate and a dead end - what do you do? vary in the fact that there is nothing but dirt road for miles - free roaming cows, horses, and mangy dogs AND heading back means windy mountain roads where the local TRUCKs drive without headlights to "see the oncoming traffic".

3. you wake in a to the sound of cows feet away and the sound of bees swarming in the tree above your tent. do you venture out?

4. after deeming it safe to step outside you are loudly greeted by an old man on horse back, leading two mules loaded down with what looks to be large bags of coffee. he is yelling at you to visit the "agua caliente" and waving bizarre hand directions. do you smile stupidly and stare? try to motion to him that you'd like to take his picture? or take off after the coffee beans like a wild eyed american just wanting to suck on one - knowing that you are about 100 miles away from a hot cup?

5. back home - you see billowing black smoke less than a mile from your home. you live outside the firedept. district (which means every home for itself). it has been a DRY winter. the prevailing winds are headed your direction. what do you do?

6. upon recommendation you evacuate your home - thinking you can return anytime to get stuff - considering the fire is contained - only to find out you may not return. how do you cope with a sick baby and a restless child?

7. after 40 hours out of your home, eating diner food for two days, wearing dirty clothes, and covered in baby snot, do you a) go through the proper channels to prove you live in the area of the accident and request permission to return? or b) run the barricades?

8. worth many points: using the method known as "flaring" how many hours does it take to burn off 9,300 gallons of propane?


banamichi birthday

"in the morning i will be the number five! and i want a bamilla cake with those little chocolate things we put in pancakes sometimes. with candles...and i want a pinata!"
we got cake fixings today. tonight i will bake. in the morning we will break all house rules and have bamilla cake with those little chocolate things we put in pancakes sometimes with candles for breakfast. then we pack. heading down to banamichi. about three hours south in sonora mexico. hot springs. camping. and from what i hear the BEST tortillas anywhere.
adios amigos


looking forward

bob dylan will be in tucson. april 10th. merle haggard opens. i feel free to post this info as i doubt there are enough of you reading in the area to buy out the show before we get our tix. if the babe goes with us it will be his second concert. we celebrated his one week birthday with a trip to see santana - which he enjoyed. th4 would love to join us. she knows his voice. she knows his face. she jokes that he looks like "you know that boy david in salt lake city". we may have to keep this one a secret though. we may just have to find a sitter for both. a date is long overdue.


who is this child ?

in the words of Neil Young

I am a child, I'll last a while.You can't conceive of the pleasure in my smile.You hold my hand, rough up my hair,It's lots of fun to have you there.
God gave to you, now, you give to me,I'd like to know what you learned.The sky is blue and so is the sea.What is the color, when black is burned? What is the color?
You are a man, you understand.You pick me up and you lay me down again.You make the rules, you say what's fair,It's lots of fun to have you there.
God gave to you, now, you give to me,I'd like to know what you learned.The sky is blue and so is the sea.What is the color, when black is burned? What is the color? I am a child, I'll last a while.You can't conceive of the pleasure in my smile.


i want i want i want

her: "if you don't play the game right you will mess up the scenery."
me: "what scenery is that?"
her: "you will ruin the scenery of the whole house of your life and the babies. and the baby will drive you crazy and i will have to say calm down... calm down."

it was cute and confusing and i jotted it down on a scrap of paper. last night we were cleaning her room and i ran across it. as i read it again there was so much more there than just a childish rambling... i believe these lil creatures are born with the wisdom of the universe. it is conditioned out of them. we spend our adult years searching for the thing we were born with. searching for what was lost. stolen. defiled. searching for our birthright.
seems to me this conditioning really begins right around the kindergarten years. unless... of course...
she will be five in four days. she wants to go to school. she wants to go to kindergarten. she wants a folder. stars. she wants to visit a prize box and ride the bus.
what to do? this is the scariest thing i've faced to date. i dread it really. we hate the institutions. paticularly the institutions of the US social system. the guvmint as such.
i want to move to Guatemala. i want to live within a tribe. i want my children to grow up knowing their place in the community. to remain in tune with the swirling great. souls barefoot all the time. we are far enough away from this now... searching.
i want to give them the world. the waves. forests. sand dunes. endless mud to squish. swirling. spinning. freedom.
not a box. a plastic box of snotty nosed kids. snotty nosed kids tuned in to boxes of false images.
i want to say don't grow up. don't fall into the box. don't lose that gift. don't give up your birthright. don't... please... don't ruin the scenery of the whole house of your life.


water babies

If it means using the gas to drive to a town with absolutely NO SOUL. If it means subjecting our bodies to the chemicals. If it means smelling of chlorine all day and itchy skin. Even if... I will do it again and again - just to see the grins - to hear the laughter - to witness the amazement on a child's face - and the pride in voice when a new trick is learned. yes. my water babies. I will.