lacking culture

i try. but it's hard to find around here.... oh we got plenty of culture of a certain type. but it's when it comes to the finer things... the things i remember from my childhood. the symphony, the ballets, the twice off broadway shows... the art lessons we balked at, the piano lessons we quit, etc etc... ya know THOSE things...

*it is entirely possible that i remember these events more grandly than i should. it is possible that they were just as half baked as the things we seem to catch down this way. it is possible that i never noticed my mother laughing into her scarf at the awkward ballerinas trying so desperately to stay in step, maybe i just didn't hear her cynical remarks abut what theater used to be like, before it was spoiled by the generation not raised to appreciate blah blah blah... it is entirely possible that i am just old(er) now, and the magic that i remember could be just as real for the kids; if i were to just keep my cynical trap shut ...

seriously though. i'm tired of trying to refine my brood in this climate. it doesn't exactly help that they themselves are wild banshees happier to be out in the woods or in the mud than sitting in a darkened high school auditorium on a sunny afternoon.
and so it goes for the nutcracker. let's keep it simple and say we didn't leave all gumdrop eyed and twinkly feeling. *sigh*
here are few snapshots of our experience:

hazey decides she will dance her own version which consists of much mockingly big gestures and clown faces.
Jhrma loved the first half until the snowflake dance and then had to say (outloud) "are they kidding us, or what?"
intermission - thayer asks if we can go because she is pretty sure reading the book would be better than THIS.
*should have taken the cue then and just gone - but i was determined to get through this one!
we switched seats around in hopes of maintaining more order,,, bad move*
jhrma leans over and whispers "well i think the trees in this dance are SEXY!" *i should NOT have laughed*
again with the leaning and the whispering "wow - these people need a dance teacher" *Shhhhhhh.......!*
"hey mom - who gave that skinny one dance licence?" *growl*
and then i lost it when the theater was silent and expectant (which happens when the music isn't cued just on time) and he says in not so great of a whisper and in somewhat of a mobster accent "what is she wearing- toilet paper!?!" *laughter and tears and total blush*

we left. early. none all that upset. which upsets me. we should have left dancing and believing in all things light and magical and merry... hot chocolate should have followed in a warm little cafe with an elf wandering around dropping candy canes in our pockets and looking out the hand painted window we would see ice skaters all bundled making ice fly up to meet the snow falling down. There would be a very realistic santa with at very least a real beard... instead we drive over the high schools speed bumps and we try to find something not entirely disgusting on the radio. a tumbleweed blows out in front of us.
we laugh about the show on the way and all agree we could have just stayed home "because at least we had pie for dessert."

step up some bigness

to do more tacky things with the littles
enjoy the outdoors without function
write letters and place on them a stamp
show up unexpected at an old mans' door
speak out to injustices - even the very wee ones
do more inviting into my life - into my day
be a bit more vulnerable
wear jeans a bit less
or at least wash that one pair a bit more
25 push ups before coffee
more afternoon coffees
books outloud even in the daylight
pet more furry creatures
hug the mini-peoples
hold doors open for strangers and smile to them in the eye
speak blessings on the kids
gratefulness and graciousness

these are the things i should be doing

sunday snippets

week in review. snippets of...

Hazel running to me with huge grins and words of "you are my best mom"... "you look great mom, well, ok enough"... and "well, Duh!! girls school!"... She is a whirlwind hurricane force to reckon with and has a smile to get her out of all kinds of mischief.

Baby goat butting us because she misses her canine pal and the grasses are drying up and this life should be just a bit more exciting...

Charley babe screeching at us to do her bidding. For an extra good measure yelling a bit more after we do that same. Laughing and smiles so big it just melts us all.... Sitting up for stretches on end and watching every move. Oh and a finger licking of smashed banana - this one likes her foods...

Railings on stairs being constructed out of manzanita and apricot branches. Greenhouse winterized. Duck house warmed. Goat pen strawed. Woods gathered and fires built.

Jhrma has boy needs of taking things apart and using the real saws - not just the 'here play with this' ones... Has a lucky hand at yatchzeee ... Entertains his sister in the wee early hours and reads to us in the later ones.

Many a squash we are consuming. Many a potato too. Soup and chili and all those heavy carbed winter comfort foods simmerng these days. Baking breads again and this time with more helping hands,

Thayer wanting to spend her money on x-mas gifts for others. In a very solid secure place. Serious help when she is around. A friendship is forming, and ally always.

A week of thankful and helpfulness...

Days of grey but of games and laughter and peeking sunshine warming.

muchness

there are things i like muchly about tiny town we live in.
there are huge annual fires of artistic proportions and celebrations under the moon.

there are solid faces you can count on seeing. at every event. and then there are the select event faces.
and in small ways you love each one.

there are moments i look around and it strikes me how LONG we have been playing this tiny town game.
and how much of the rulebook has changed,,,

there are times i think we have outgrown it.
there are times i know i haven't grown INTO it. not enough.

there is.
there will be....

muchness.
much heart growth. much heartache.
much more to come...

just catching up

we are very serious these days about Greek Mythology... VERY serious.
she is very loving when she wants to be and very unforgiving also. this is the age of the black and white lines. lines in the sand. don't cross them casually.



Three and ruler of all that dwells under this roof. Wild and unruly. But quick to give a hug and say "you are the best ever! so now hug me and kiss me!"



one year ago you were a wee plus sign on the stick. today you roll and laugh and stick your tongue out for anyone passing by.





brother bear. brother bear. be the little man of the family and protect us girls - from yourself.... you sweet charmer. you cruel little imp. you six year old siren. you keep us on our toes...

some truths,,,

i will miss a dear soul. there is weepy.ness. and it's still time away and not too soon...

there is new birth all around and - here my babe is - in arms - and the empty womb is reminded as hz asks - can we visit our midwife again soon. and we will, because her birth day approaches...

my girl takes charge with such an eye for detail. she sounds like i do when taking care of biz. and in this i learn to be kinder... she, in all her pre-adolescence, still tells me all the gory detail and hugs me in the morn, and laughs out loud and with no abandon...

my sweet sweet boy will be six. six. ooohhhh... this can't be true , yet it is. and he has a list... a jetpack? a harness? a longboard. because he is told by a mentor that some 5 yr olds can ride them... oh and just one more thing... words trail off as the night ends. he needs his mama to snuggle him to sleep still and he runs to hug me in daylight.

the wild one. well, what can i say... she is sugar plum right hand and mischief left left. she practices her mad-face and builds lands of love and peace. she is THREE. manic and magical. yes.

ooohhh... and you, baby. baby c. you are a chunker at superficial least. and you are amazingly perfect in truth. it doesn't make sense, except that everything from your conception on makes all the perfect non-sense still.... seriously - there is no baby i know that is as at peace and in the know as you.. and in your trying to laugh and to speak i can see in your eyes, there is desire to tell and to teach.

art - i have missed you - and now we are reunited. evenings spent making. days spent creating. moments spent appreciating.

the truth is- life is...

crumbs

our child's job is to break our hearts. rip them out and smash them up a bit. this i'm told. and there is some experience there as well.... as a mamabear we bear through. with a grin if we are gracious. tears if we emote. sometimes in defense or spite there is some lashing back out. often a combination of all.

every once in a the rarest of blue moons we hear those sweet words that make it all worthwhile. every so often there is an extra long hug - and snuggle so relaxed - an appreciation not just shown but verbalized as well. these are the crumbs we scitter after as mamas... tiny morsels that carry us to a new height and with greater purpose to be all that they imagine we are.

i've found that by taking my kids beyond the borders of our wee town there is much social observation happening behind their raggedly cut bangs... obvious is the life they could be living... and well, somehow there is awareness enough to know they really are not missing all that much. in the quiet of the eve that follows such an outing i see the love.

so a guilty gratitude to you screamers and spoiler and shopping cart spankers. you are the yeast in the dough that my babes toast up nicely and drop a wee thank you my way.