mountain mama

lacking culture

2011-12-04T18:48:00.000-08:00

i try. but it's hard to find around here.... oh we got plenty of culture of a certain type. but it's when it comes to the finer things... the things i remember from my childhood. the symphony, the ballets, the twice off broadway shows... the art lessons we balked at, the piano lessons we quit, etc etc... ya know THOSE things...

*it is entirely possible that i remember these events more grandly than i should. it is possible that they were just as half baked as the things we seem to catch down this way. it is possible that i never noticed my mother laughing into her scarf at the awkward ballerinas trying so desperately to stay in step, maybe i just didn't hear her cynical remarks abut what theater used to be like, before it was spoiled by the generation not raised to appreciate blah blah blah... it is entirely possible that i am just old(er) now, and the magic that i remember could be just as real for the kids; if i were to just keep my cynical trap shut ...

seriously though. i'm tired of trying to refine my brood in this climate. it doesn't exactly help that they themselves are wild banshees happier to be out in the woods or in the mud than sitting in a darkened high school auditorium on a sunny afternoon.
and so it goes for the nutcracker. let's keep it simple and say we didn't leave all gumdrop eyed and twinkly feeling. *sigh*
here are few snapshots of our experience:

hazey decides she will dance her own version which consists of much mockingly big gestures and clown faces.
Jhrma loved the first half until the snowflake dance and then had to say (outloud) "are they kidding us, or what?"
intermission - thayer asks if we can go because she is pretty sure reading the book would be better than THIS.
*should have taken the cue then and just gone - but i was determined to get through this one!
we switched seats around in hopes of maintaining more order,,, bad move*
jhrma leans over and whispers "well i think the trees in this dance are SEXY!" *i should NOT have laughed*
again with the leaning and the whispering "wow - these people need a dance teacher" *Shhhhhhh.......!*
"hey mom - who gave that skinny one dance licence?" *growl*
and then i lost it when the theater was silent and expectant (which happens when the music isn't cued just on time) and he says in not so great of a whisper and in somewhat of a mobster accent "what is she wearing- toilet paper!?!" *laughter and tears and total blush*

we left. early. none all that upset. which upsets me. we should have left dancing and believing in all things light and magical and merry... hot chocolate should have followed in a warm little cafe with an elf wandering around dropping candy canes in our pockets and looking out the hand painted window we would see ice skaters all bundled making ice fly up to meet the snow falling down. There would be a very realistic santa with at very least a real beard... instead we drive over the high schools speed bumps and we try to find something not entirely disgusting on the radio. a tumbleweed blows out in front of us.
we laugh about the show on the way and all agree we could have just stayed home "because at least we had pie for dessert."

step up some bigness

2011-12-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

to do more tacky things with the littles
enjoy the outdoors without function
write letters and place on them a stamp
show up unexpected at an old mans' door
speak out to injustices - even the very wee ones
do more inviting into my life - into my day
be a bit more vulnerable
wear jeans a bit less
or at least wash that one pair a bit more
25 push ups before coffee
more afternoon coffees
books outloud even in the daylight
pet more furry creatures
hug the mini-peoples
hold doors open for strangers and smile to them in the eye
speak blessings on the kids
gratefulness and graciousness

these are the things i should be doing

sunday snippets

2011-11-20T21:21:00.000-08:00

week in review. snippets of...

Hazel running to me with huge grins and words of "you are my best mom"... "you look great mom, well, ok enough"... and "well, Duh!! girls school!"... She is a whirlwind hurricane force to reckon with and has a smile to get her out of all kinds of mischief.

Baby goat butting us because she misses her canine pal and the grasses are drying up and this life should be just a bit more exciting...

Charley babe screeching at us to do her bidding. For an extra good measure yelling a bit more after we do that same. Laughing and smiles so big it just melts us all.... Sitting up for stretches on end and watching every move. Oh and a finger licking of smashed banana - this one likes her foods...

Railings on stairs being constructed out of manzanita and apricot branches. Greenhouse winterized. Duck house warmed. Goat pen strawed. Woods gathered and fires built.

Jhrma has boy needs of taking things apart and using the real saws - not just the 'here play with this' ones... Has a lucky hand at yatchzeee ... Entertains his sister in the wee early hours and reads to us in the later ones.

Many a squash we are consuming. Many a potato too. Soup and chili and all those heavy carbed winter comfort foods simmerng these days. Baking breads again and this time with more helping hands,

Thayer wanting to spend her money on x-mas gifts for others. In a very solid secure place. Serious help when she is around. A friendship is forming, and ally always.

A week of thankful and helpfulness...

Days of grey but of games and laughter and peeking sunshine warming.

muchness

2011-11-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

there are things i like muchly about tiny town we live in.
there are huge annual fires of artistic proportions and celebrations under the moon.

there are solid faces you can count on seeing. at every event. and then there are the select event faces.
and in small ways you love each one.

there are moments i look around and it strikes me how LONG we have been playing this tiny town game.
and how much of the rulebook has changed,,,

there are times i think we have outgrown it.
there are times i know i haven't grown INTO it. not enough.

there is.
there will be....

muchness.
much heart growth. much heartache.
much more to come...

just catching up

2011-10-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

we are very serious these days about Greek Mythology... VERY serious.
she is very loving when she wants to be and very unforgiving also. this is the age of the black and white lines. lines in the sand. don't cross them casually.

Three and ruler of all that dwells under this roof. Wild and unruly. But quick to give a hug and say "you are the best ever! so now hug me and kiss me!"

one year ago you were a wee plus sign on the stick. today you roll and laugh and stick your tongue out for anyone passing by.

brother bear. brother bear. be the little man of the family and protect us girls - from yourself.... you sweet charmer. you cruel little imp. you six year old siren. you keep us on our toes...

some truths,,,

2011-09-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

i will miss a dear soul. there is weepy.ness. and it's still time away and not too soon...

there is new birth all around and - here my babe is - in arms - and the empty womb is reminded as hz asks - can we visit our midwife again soon. and we will, because her birth day approaches...

my girl takes charge with such an eye for detail. she sounds like i do when taking care of biz. and in this i learn to be kinder... she, in all her pre-adolescence, still tells me all the gory detail and hugs me in the morn, and laughs out loud and with no abandon...

my sweet sweet boy will be six. six. ooohhhh... this can't be true , yet it is. and he has a list... a jetpack? a harness? a longboard. because he is told by a mentor that some 5 yr olds can ride them... oh and just one more thing... words trail off as the night ends. he needs his mama to snuggle him to sleep still and he runs to hug me in daylight.

the wild one. well, what can i say... she is sugar plum right hand and mischief left left. she practices her mad-face and builds lands of love and peace. she is THREE. manic and magical. yes.

ooohhh... and you, baby. baby c. you are a chunker at superficial least. and you are amazingly perfect in truth. it doesn't make sense, except that everything from your conception on makes all the perfect non-sense still.... seriously - there is no baby i know that is as at peace and in the know as you.. and in your trying to laugh and to speak i can see in your eyes, there is desire to tell and to teach.

art - i have missed you - and now we are reunited. evenings spent making. days spent creating. moments spent appreciating.

the truth is- life is...

crumbs

2011-09-23T20:43:00.000-07:00

our child's job is to break our hearts. rip them out and smash them up a bit. this i'm told. and there is some experience there as well.... as a mamabear we bear through. with a grin if we are gracious. tears if we emote. sometimes in defense or spite there is some lashing back out. often a combination of all.

every once in a the rarest of blue moons we hear those sweet words that make it all worthwhile. every so often there is an extra long hug - and snuggle so relaxed - an appreciation not just shown but verbalized as well. these are the crumbs we scitter after as mamas... tiny morsels that carry us to a new height and with greater purpose to be all that they imagine we are.

i've found that by taking my kids beyond the borders of our wee town there is much social observation happening behind their raggedly cut bangs... obvious is the life they could be living... and well, somehow there is awareness enough to know they really are not missing all that much. in the quiet of the eve that follows such an outing i see the love.

so a guilty gratitude to you screamers and spoiler and shopping cart spankers. you are the yeast in the dough that my babes toast up nicely and drop a wee thank you my way.

somehows

2011-09-22T19:41:00.000-07:00

... somehow we have become a tennis playing family
.... somehow a puppy came into the mix
.. somehow we manage to all sleep at least four hours of overlap time each eve
and somehow there is peace most hours each day...
... somehow we broke the television and there was no major knashing of teeth...
somewhere along the way we found a nice little groove to fall our feet into
... and just with a wee bit o luck and some hard found disciple we may just somehow maintain the goodness.

adventuring into new

2011-09-07T09:04:00.000-07:00

Adventures now to begin afresh. Newness in the air and in the season and in our stirring souls. The wonder of the bright eyed baby has rekindled a viewing of what lies all around. The Haze entices laughter. Energy of the boy motivates the go and the movement and the hikes and the wheels that turn. And the observant questioning of the T keeps us on mental toe point and on track... These beautiful unschooled, unrushed mornings linger.
Searching out of opportunity. Pushing against the stagnant. And in spite remembering to relish in the peace and quiet and rest that is our most cherished gift in this moment.

mama said

2011-08-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

mama said
mama said there'd be f*cked up moments such as this... mama said.
teenager.ling. moments come too soon.
mama said "you just wait and see - one day your daughter will show".
oh mama....
mama maria save us. mama mia sing us into a sultrier state of being.

she wants to know the why and where the justice lies.
she wants it to fit into a box she holds buried.

and mama can't make it fit...
so the mama just says... because. i. said.
and so that's it. and the cycle continues. and the new day greets. and the words fall defeated. and the coffee brews. and the hugs surround. and the smiles return.
and nothing mama said matters at all.
and everything that fell between the lines between the cracks fell deep into the memory banks.

many arms to hold you

2011-08-05T21:49:00.000-07:00

~ Birdwings ~

2011-07-23T13:20:00.000-07:00

For all the tiny miracles occurring each moment we draw breath,
for the sacrifices that go unseen and the nourishment given freely and with the purest of love,
for the gentle hands that guide and lead and catch and welcome and warm and embrace,
for the perfect timing of all laid plans ignored,
for the new life we've been entrusted, for the new life it will bring,
for the mother who's arms are empty tonight, and for the heart that is full and the hope that is not extinguished,
and for the children to come.
For this we have no words but ones of pure blessing and gratitude.
Spirits soaring high above gracing us for a time and for purpose, seen or gone unseen, miraculous and perfect.

welcome Charley Savanah Orchard

BirdWings ~Rumi

Your grief for what you’ve lost lifts a mirror
up to where you’re bravely working.

Expecting the worst, you look, and instead,
here’s the joyful face you’ve been wanting to see.

Your hand opens and closes and opens and closes.
if it were always a fist or always stretched open,
you would be paralyzed.

Your deepest presence is in every small contracting
and expanding,
The two as beautifully balanced and coordinated
as birdwings.

just when and then

2011-04-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

just when you think you've got your system down. just when you think you've grown up enough and figured it out enough. just when your children are showing signs of self-sufficiencies. just when the plans you have been waiting on fall into place AND THEN out of place again...
just then. it's time again to start from scratches and scraps. time to renegotiate the terms of the existence you had come to rely on so feebly for that wee moment that seemed so secure...
this is where we are. just between the just when and the just then. mental blocks and mental purges. mental blank slate if you will knowing that all opportunity is open really - just a matter of taking the first steps. when baby steps turn then to giant leaps of faith....

a convo

2011-02-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

me to the sky : WHY IS IT SOOO COLD?!?!
the girl - "it's winter!"
the boy - "because you don't like cold and God is mad at you"
the girl again - "noooo, because Proserpina got kidnapped when she was picking flowers by Pluto because Hades asked Pluto if he could capture her and bring her to the underworld - then her mother Ceres morned for her lost daughter and she begged Jupiter to demand Hades to release her... Then HAdes asked Proserpina to eat smething from the underworld and she ate pomagrante seeds and he was pleased. Ceres said that since she ate from the underworld she has to return for two months each year and that's why it's cold... "
me again - "did you get that from school?"
the girl with the eyes - "i think yo should read up on your mythology"

jeep trail

2011-01-23T19:45:00.000-08:00

took the jeep trail to the wash today with childrens + 2. picnicked. played in sand. dug with barefeet. re-arranged stones. sun-kissed and wind-tossled. a whole day of watching. listening. learning. loving. longing to remember this option to relax is alive most days. bathed and tucked. children with bellies full snore.

2010 favs

2011-01-02T19:50:00.000-08:00

the three stooges

2011-01-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

it's been a bit too long since these littles made an appearance....

in a new view finder

2010-12-31T21:32:00.000-08:00

this year started out with a sense of foreboding.
CHANGE threatened to drop it's vowels and enter itself officially into the four letter word category....
this was the year of 30 - when all hell was to break loose in body and soul. and it did.
i tried to embrace the change with positivity and good cheer. which worked about 55% of the time.
hair was chopped off - dyed - regrown into haphazard UHG. something i actually do regret some days. not all.
this year i moved many times and remained in this same small town. in the same house.
the house itself torn apart and thrown into complete chaos. we still can't successfully find socks in the morning.
in this one year i made resolutions based in truth. resolutions i've had to fight to hold on to.
i made friends who are honest. friends who inspire. friends who love my imperfections.
this year i learned to also love my imperfections. well - accept that they exist anyway... and in the end not hate that.
in this year all three of my babes grew up too much. and taught me to grow down abit.

in this one year. a seedling sprouted in the midst of a burnt down field.

now i look to now. again. with hope and in gratitude. for all these past days. all the goods mingled with the crud. and even for just the grit and grime all by itself. i look forward with the knowledge that there is something a bit more refined within. something harder and more determined. some bits softer and willing to relax. the somethings that came so easily. and those that growled their way in. the extremes - the changes - the passions shared - and laughter healing - the insomnia - the hugs - the babies smiles - the paints - and pillows - the animals lost and born - the miles - the food - and most of - the ones who stood by with nothing but encouragement and hugs that lift my feet of the ground...

in this one year. i learned how to change. and learned to not just deal with it. but to love it.

within the realm of slumber

2010-12-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

some nights are torrid {choose your definition at will}
some are speckled and splattered with color
last was sweet and honest and yet with confusing lead lady choice...

i mull over through the day the happenings previous night
what is the formula i am asked over again
and when will i be able to enter and re-enter the chosens at will....

these night escapades - escapes - encrusted - enchanted...

bound

2010-12-15T17:35:00.000-08:00

reading. again. a few pages at a time. days and days on end. consistency. hello friends. hello words strung together. in your oh so convicting manner. neurons firing once more. optical into ethereal. into then... for now. still. silent. bound. and speaking.

words in lucid

2010-12-12T18:05:00.000-08:00

dreams of writing disturb my slumber.
reasons of duty and guilty.
reasons of creativity gone squandered.
motherly calling from a thousand miles away.
childish calling from feet near by.
words going unsaid again no more.
as long as i heed - perhaps i will sleep - in peace.

why?

2010-12-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

because it is sadly necessary....

no time like now

2010-09-28T23:38:00.000-07:00

i see round my eyes the wrinkles of smoke.
i 've seen now what all i've allowed..... to control the mental as well as the physical...
no more.
there are so many minutes i've wasted. so many smiles gone buried.
there are smudges on my computer screen. stains on my favorite shirts....
no one to blame but me.
but i accept it all. and transition well. and toast to a morning of freedom.
you stand by me. you stand strong in your judgement. you stand and deliver a grin....

funkified

2010-09-01T22:44:00.000-07:00

some days you wake, and before the water has boiled, the day has been funk-A -fied (capital exclamation point).... that has been this week. every day of the whole week. i wake three steps behind....

drunk on a mountain-mid

2010-07-22T23:43:00.000-07:00

nights relaxing. summer heat dissipating. monsoon clouds breaking. a night to sing and to meet half way and to drink a bottle and connect. the man and i have split some ties. reconnected in the way that benefits the munchkins. reconnected in a friendly way. we have started to sing together and this tuesday will debut. a newness and a difference. on stage together. on stage for others. on stage and for ourselves. three songs. titled and covered never done by us before. tonight we met to work out logistics on the mid of a mountain. with bottle in hand and song in heart. we part some way and come together again....

quacking on

2010-06-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

new to the mountain stead - two ducklings - matilda and luna. luna i am pretty sure is a fella though and i voted his name be changed to hamish. what good is it to have ducks without proper british sounding names? now to build a duck nest, slaughter the roosters, and find a new home for a chicken eating dog.

welcome june

2010-06-09T02:01:00.000-07:00

with june comes heat. my indulgence of my showers and teeth brushing and flowers in the desert makes me blush. we walk a fine line of wanting to be truly self-sufficient yet relying on well and electric and internet connect. after this long night of bar work, i come home to no water. no shower - no teeth brushing for the mountain mama... not tonight. i was watering today down by the greenhouse and got distracted by little ones needing a snack. left the water on the apricot tree - and from what i can calculate at 2:00 am this fine morn is that i have emptied a good 600 gallons on one tree. sad expensive lesson learned. the pump seems to be working and the water sounds to be trickling back into the reserve tank. but there is no telling what the water table is doing now in the hottest dry.est. month of the year. welcome june. you are brutality. and i should have known better ....

lapse

2010-06-03T22:11:00.000-07:00

time lapse. days collapsing with each sunset/sunrise. rushing kids to and from. deadlines and the ever stacking of the laundry and suches. business expanding. growing on fronts. a building up of one empire to watch another fall. these are my days. filled with giggles grins and groans. in the working world i put on a show and then in the quiet recluse... letting go of what needs to fly. holding tight to what is worth holding. needing a soak. asking for prayer. watching the green things grow. planning tomorrows. living today. trying to cry - instead - breathing.

backfire of best laid plans

2010-03-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

my whole life i have winged. things happen and i roll. situations present and i smile and deal. opportunities knock and i answer. this last month i was given the chance to own my own business and restaurant. i jumped. on paper it's a dream. location being golden. timing not to shabby. and smooth as silk the negotiations followed. so here i sit the night before our second soft run. anxiety of the ins and outs overwhelming. food orders screwy. electric issues non-resolved. timing and moneys and logistics and the unspeakable issue at hand. WILL I SUCCEED? will they like ME? by blood sweat and sacrifice i will give. and will it be noticed in the end?
i have been managing, organized, and planning. knowing now it is only a leap of sheer faith and exhaustion. i realize, tonight as i sit, that its not the paper trail in all it's color-coded-ness that will prevail. it is in the doing and the believing and the smiles and tears that avail - this will be my end result. this will be what wakes me up. this will be what it is in this moment. a lesson. a growth. a chance and a challenge. this will be the backlash of all my best laid brainstorm.....

love is...

2010-02-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

The girl child asked the boy child :
"do you know what love is?"
"of course i do..."
"well, then what is LOVE?"
"it's a kind of fish..."

Love... just may as well be a fish...

over this endless

2010-02-01T22:09:00.000-08:00

no more talk of days with their passing. enough discussion of the gone so fast and never no mores.
no more looking forward. no more seeing toward. here we are.
in this moment. no more. new and fresh in each breath and blink.
what am i doing? no matter.
what will i do? what's it for.
take hold little one. i'm the one standing still. while you twirl and you spin and dizzy into grin.
here i am. here we are. what it's worth. whatever for...
be here. in the now. for now. just this once. breathe. be still

reinvent in thirty

2010-01-22T22:33:00.001-08:00

these days we are given are a gift from beyond. what we do with them is a will and journey. this is a time to re-invent the wheel. to lighten the load of fantasy and meaningless. this is my time to grow and to be and to love without measure.... this what i make of it.... a cutting of locks. a cutting of ties. a time to hold on to the true. to walk boldly in uncertainty. to walk into unknowns knowing well. i am guarded and cherished. i am grace and beauty. i am. fully challenged. i am....

minutes

2010-01-17T00:19:00.000-08:00

fire a blazin' - babes all nested - minutes tickin' by - what is next?
night skies friendly. drink in hand handy. sock sortin' fun just begun.
join into the circle of mamadom happenin' - what is to come will come.
reinvention. reincarnation. recycling old to the new.
to you and to yours and to all who will listen.
i am here and i hear and i question.....

this new year

2010-01-15T20:07:00.000-08:00

where have you been oh beautiful blog? those who have moved on i miss. time for a revamp. a recap. time once again for a re - ......
time has been passing and love withstanding. love has been passing and time all encompassed. years gone and chance lost. time gone and chances presenting. to you who are out there - to you who enjoy - to you who follow our days... be patient and pressing - make your. self. known...

turn right

2009-12-28T21:43:00.001-08:00

this new year you are upon us. with your unsuspecting passing of days and your ever forgiving ways. you bring afresh a painful birth. you whisper certain deaths... in this coming a milestone birthday. in this coming a distant truth. truth to be learned. truth to be re-invented.
you are upon us. again. and again. to fast. slow down...
my babes are yet young and i wish them to stay. young and innocent and wise beyond their year. turn right. choose wise. turn right til you find you go in circle...
in circle. in cycle. turn right. choose right. choose perfect.
this new year. in this new new year. turn right. be wise. be wisdom.....

hard pause

2009-12-17T20:25:00.000-08:00

this is the beginning. a new. a fresh. this is the hard pause before the gasp and the release...
this is days passing too fast. and all you moments in between.
this is the old fading away in ash and new birth in agony and a letting go...
this is the birth. this is the first breath of a soul to old to recount it's days. this is the last and the first. this is...
my telling. this is. my heartbreak. this is. my joy... this is...
awakening and rest. awakening in death. awakening to you my wee little babes. greetings in you pure self.
this is. yes. just another beginning. another of countless.
pure and peaceful and with good hard pause....

shakin'

2009-12-10T20:53:00.000-08:00

"so shake the dust off off your broken wings and the tears out of your eyes"....

i can see now

2009-12-06T20:40:00.000-08:00

Ever loved a woman who made you feel tall?
Ever loved a man who made you feel small?
If you were a sailor
I'd raise the anchor
To sail the sea
In search of you and me
And god
Conjures currents to break our fragile boats
And both the innocent and the damned
Are swallowed up in his wake
If you were a huntress
I'd be your bow
For your silver arrows
To seek out his heart
Ever loved a woman who made you feel tall?
Ever loved a man who made you feel small?
Who are you to complain
For lack of understanding?
We are all created equal
In just one thing alone
Alone in your thoughts that { } you through your life
They'll take you outwards to the dark edge of time
And there's nothing more dangerous
Than a man with nothing to lose
Nothing to live for
And nothing to prove

-Dead can Dance

in my younger days we would gather at a flat and listen to dead can dance in a sparse apartment with white russians and a string of christmas lights... it is a rather melancholy memory but one oh so comforting... like good home cooking you don't ever dream you will miss til you are eating frozen pizza seven nights a week.... a strand of blue holiday light illuminates my space and the only soundtrack appropriate is my well worn DCD. for the first time not just association tune, the words speak life and longing and truth in this blessed twisted moment.

morning in the not to distant past

2009-11-30T20:46:00.000-08:00

"that morning i wept.
i wept because i loved the streets that took me away from him
and would lead me back to him.
i wept because the process by which i had become a woman was painful.
i wept because from now on i would weep less.
i wept because i had lost my pain
and i was not yet accustomed to it's absence..."
- anais nin on henry miller

oh but another day

2009-11-14T22:52:00.000-08:00

greetings o blessed spinning whirlwind day. where are you going and what will you teach? each and new you bring to me an opening of joy and growth... but alas you whip by with no tolerance of my trying so hard to catch up.... in a blink you are gone and what have i done but be... honest and striving - having and losing - trying and failing - trying and winning. i am new in you. blessed gift from above and below. you are wisdom and heartbreak - you are fast and oh so slow. slow to impart your beauty slow to impart your lesson slow to impart what needs to be said and in all so blatant and bliss. you say to me in your waking hours - what will you do with me? i am dawning - i am here - rise and create and empower... you say it is time to be aware - you say act quickly - in flash i'll be gone. only to wake you again....

circus tricks

2009-11-01T22:15:00.000-08:00

if we had us a circus wagon and we'd take this show on the road!

success ...

2009-10-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

...is... the babe child waking only once to snuggle and know she is comforted... the boy child being so proud he is brushing his own teeth... the almost grown monkey building her homeschool curriculum herself and loving every minute... the mama knowing despite every good intention - she just - simply - is...

happy childhood memory revisited

2009-10-22T22:38:00.000-07:00

toasted. buttered. pita chips on the table.
can't recall a single meal that they would accompany. the entree is irrelevant.
what matters is the salt. the smell. the pile. the searching for the buttery pieces. the few left of less butter that we ate only because we wanted more. the warmth of comfort. knowing an incredible mom loved us enough to make us from scratch. what seemed like such a treat then i see now was no great task.
simple steps. simplified goodness. simply love.

crisis? perhaps no...

2009-09-30T23:25:00.000-07:00

... more of a mid-life "now what?"...
seeing the beauty in all my many mistakes and trying to cipher through the b.s.
what does it mean to hit this point at 29? can i expect to live out a good 60 years in this round? or am i perhaps just an old old soul? does that matter in the least when each day is new and the only lesson to learn is how to say when. and no. and enough. and yes... dear god... bring it on!!!

beautiful heartbreak of mama-dom

2009-09-21T21:08:00.000-07:00

the older sibs have taught the babe how to say hamburger... "ha-bahh-gaa" - then asked if as a reward we could actually all eat a hamburger. (an act that has been all but banned)

after a lengthy discussion on c-section vs. pushin' a baby - abstinence vs. birth control - she stated that in ten years she would go ahead and get her birth control...

he is planning his fourth b-day. it'll be a BYOS (bring your own shovel) and there will be a digging contest. there will be an orange cake and a "thing you hit to get candy"...

you are born

2009-09-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

driving home from the land... babies asleep before we reach the gate... my monkey says out of blue on a dark starry night.
'mom - the more heart you have the more wise you are... and the more spirit you have the more wise you are. and love, if you have love then it is even better.'
"girl. where'd you learn that? how do you know this to be true?"
'it's a child's thing. i guess it's something that you are born with - and sometimes, when you grow up, well maybe just people forget their spirit. they forget their own hearts and forget how to love and be wise... sometimes at night when it is quiet i remember who i am, and during the day it is busy and i get wild and i lose track of all that...'

you were born in infinite wisdom. now you walk in the cold hard truth of this world we have created. don't forget my sweet angel. don't you ever forget...

rain finally

2009-09-12T22:26:00.001-07:00

the girl asked why people roll up their car windows when it rains....

some folks don't like their shit to get wet....

"but it's the desert and it doesn't rain enough"

so when it does....

we know it's a gift.... and we are thankful!

hoodlums in training

2009-09-10T22:10:00.000-07:00

we've had a week of papa john visits - losses - street dances - take action events - monsoons - talent shows - overall mayhem...

what good is it to be a girl

2009-09-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

if you can't have at least one totally un-comfortable un-practical un-walk-in-able pair of hoochie-mama heels?

traditions

2009-08-31T20:42:00.000-07:00

the 3rd grade monkey has a homework assignment this week is to make a poster of our family's traditions... is encouraged to have help and also present her poster in the oral. we brainstormed today ideas. came up with four. came up with a FEW more. excitement grew as we started to map out the project. but now that the babes are asleep and crayons are put away i'm sad. our family lacks tradition. we lack the spiritual tradition i grew up cherishing. we have THINGS we do - but one could almost argue they are closer to habit than purposeful remembering... something new to work on now...

just who am i ?

2009-08-29T01:22:00.000-07:00

your mother? your lover, your family, a friend? do i cater your event, or manage your business? where is my person? my desires no end... do i offer a word you take home? do you call on a whim or a mission? therapy at any time. day or night. i'm there. there. asking... where? who? why? and yes... just sometimes... when?

after school treats

2009-08-22T23:24:00.001-07:00

still am not sure how i feel about the new school situation - but i do like the after hours and the time it allows us to linger at our mimosa market....

mama's

2009-08-18T21:39:00.000-07:00

explained to thayer tonight the workings of a mama's mind. explained WHY i'm on my feet runnin' for 18 hours a day (we counted) and WHY i only sleep a GOOD four and a half. laughed as i related the million thoughts in a single day and how hard it is to keep them organized when there are screamin' babes and bickerin' sibs. how i need them to just GO TO SLEEP so i have one less distraction and how for a mama at the 15 hour mark this is crucial to her own sanity and the safety of her kids... i told her sometimes i have to pee for hours! how as a mama you have to do what needs to be done and sacrifice your own comfort and desires. why when you do decide you can't take it any longer you go to pee and a baby follows close behind yelling "mama - mama" so you don't even close the door. how you wouldn't trade it for the world - but WONDER sometimes why you ever did. we laughed so hard she couldn't breathe - the telling of all was much more animated than i can relate here. sometimes i can be pretty damn funny. sometimes i wish i could be more. more often. fun! i know i work too hard at what i do and don't just sit to read. she overheard me on the phone tonight tell a friend it's my own fault i don't rest more. read more. photo more. breathe more. while i was still on the phone she picked a book off the shelf for me and wrapped it up as a gift. teachings on love - thich nhat hahn... she gave me a gift. she opened the door for a fun conversation. she is the reason i do these things. the reason i will do it all again tomorrow... opening it up my eyes fell on this prayer " may he/she be peaceful, happy, and light in body and in spirit. may he/she be free of injury. may he/she live in safety. may he/she be free from anger, disturbance, fear,worry, and anxiety." even in the moment where i finally sit for a moment to myself - i am reminded - i am not alone...

M-U-D

2009-08-06T21:34:00.001-07:00

lack of monsoon downpour has forced us to using the vader-sprinkler

poetry in motion

2009-08-05T23:08:00.001-07:00

our days are hot and full!

gentle reminder....

2009-08-02T22:24:00.000-07:00

to self and others alike - UPDATE YOUR BLOG ALREADY! facebooks - myspaces -ego-centric social networks - well they just ain't the same...

ramblin' man - to Austin now

2009-07-23T22:35:00.001-07:00

I can settle dow-own and be doin just fine
Til I hear an old train rollin down the line
Then I hurry strai-aight home and pack
And if I didnt go, I believe Id blow my stack
I love you ba-aby, but you gotta understand
When the lord made me
He made a ramblin man.

Some folks might sa-ay that Im no good
That I wouldnt settle down if I could
But when that open ro-oad starts to callin me
Theres somethin oer the hill that I gotta see
Sometimes its har-rd but you gotta understand
When the lord made me, he made a ra-amblin man.

I love to see the tow-owns a-passin by
And to ride these rails neath gods blue sky
Let me travel this la-and from the mountains to the sea
cause thats the life I believe he meant for me
And when Im go-one and at my grave you stand
Just say God called home your ra-amblin man.

*hank williams - lyrics

oh happy day

2009-07-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

our kanga-roo turned the big O-N-E yesterday! we had ourselves quite the little blue-eyed bash!

another year counted

2009-07-11T21:11:00.001-07:00

"we are here to do.
and through doing to learn;
and through learning to know;
and through knowing to experience wonder;
and through wonder to attain wisdom;
and through wisdom to find simplicity;
and through simplicity to give attention;
and through attention
to see what needs to be done.

four years ago today we stood in agreement. we exchanged tokens of commitment. we stood to hear these words.
today they truer than ever. here's to the next step forward.

hard to sit still

2009-07-08T21:50:00.000-07:00

i've never known laze. i am a doer. a mover. a thinker of the ahead. every days end i see what could have been. what still is left and the undone. now as my horizon is expanding i see what happens at large in small communities. it is with heart ache i learn of new cycles - revolutions - actions taken - while i busy myself with busy-ness. this is not to belittle my task at hand - three wee lives to be molded and fed. just a cry of my soul to be DOING more! doing more with like-guided doers...

you're 8... it's late

2009-07-05T22:12:00.000-07:00

"promise me you'll always be strong." this is told her tonight out of the un-seeming blue. "do you understand what i mean?"
"yes" she said. "it means be true. and do to what you have to..." my child - you are so wise and knowing - even when all is unsaid.

"you are the best mom in the whole world." she whispered as i laid her head.
"i try... i fail sometimes but i am trying to be a good mama."
"you don't have to try." she looked me in the eye
"it's like golf." (this from one who plays no golf!) "just a little touch and it can go a long way. you just think about the goal and just tap it and it will go where you need it to go..."

"you're 8. it's late. you're too damn smart. now go to sleep and dream of childish things."

happy holiday of hideous hues

2009-07-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

calendar gal

2009-07-01T22:23:00.001-07:00

this year i accepted a most gracious invite and agreed to be in this year's WOMEN OF BISBEE calendar. Thanks many to Terry Wolfe who shot some pretty wicked pics! Happy "me" month! now you go step outside your box and live a bit...

and it looks like rain...

2009-07-01T22:11:00.000-07:00

monsoons come and every eve we end with a shower.

once a year we experience an elevated water table. humidity. smooth skin and ringlets on babes...

the desert sings. turns green. even the creepy crawlies come out for a swim.

this time this year we wash clean again and start anew...

welcoming the new

2009-06-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

sweet little alice auldon - our new wee cousin! we welcome into arms...

d'jango - our 9 week old benji/wolf - so smart and loyal...

lulu and spike - the newest cheepers to the brood. what else can i say but they have five toes...

spreading the love as our homestead grows. three steps closer to taking over the world!

my sweet darling littles

2009-06-19T23:05:00.000-07:00

spiritually speaking... on the upcoming children's album

2009-06-18T22:47:00.000-07:00

I am an orphan on God's highway
But I'll share my troubles if you go my way
I have no mother no father
No sister no brother
I am an orphan girl

I have had friendships pure and golden
But the ties of kinship I have not known them
I know no mother no father
No sister no brother
I am an orphan girl

But when He calls me I will be able
To meet my family at God's table
I'll meet my mother my father
My sister my brother
No more orphan girl

Blessed Savior make me willing
And walk beside me until I'm with them
Be my mother my father
My sister my brother
I am an orphan girl

*gillian welch

it is

2009-06-16T22:30:00.000-07:00

what it is for better or worse. this is my life at the moment. some smile some heartbreak. good food and good friends good times and a song sung together... my man. is at the moment my man. thanks to terry wolfe for the amazing photo of us both 'in grin'

sticky season

2009-06-15T22:03:00.001-07:00

oh blessed moon

2009-06-06T23:02:00.000-07:00

moon . moon. - oh you blessed light. shine down on this wanting soul. your radiance is clean and i am oh so dirty. it comes a time when you are full and i am longing. i lay myself down and you are comfort and healing. infuse my dreams oh lovely friend. we will burn a fire in your honor once again...

not just what we eat but how we think!

2009-06-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

summertime - and the eatin' is easy! dinner in our home in the warm months is often corn and artichokes. top it off with some watermelon and we are full and blissful! after reading michael pollen's THE OMNIVORES DELIMA - it became more important to me not just to eat as organically as possible but locally as well. not eating meats now and limiting processed foods the way we limit candy - our food options are narrowing quickly! BELOW IS SOME SCARY INFO! I WILL NOT BE TOLD WHAT I CAN AND CAN'T GROW FOR MY FAMILY! I WILL NOT SIT BACK AND BE TOLD THAT RAT POISON IS A SUITABLE FOOD SOURCE... please act. what could be better at this point than a good ol fashioned food fight!!!
*******************************************************

Please tell everyone who wants organic foods.....
US House and Senate are about (in a week and a half) to
vote on bill that will OUTLAW ORGANIC FARMING (bill HR 875).
There is an enormous rush to get this into law within the
next 2 weeks before people realize what is happening.

Main backer and lobbyist is Monsanto – chemical and
genetic engineering giant corporation (and Cargill, ADM, and
about 35 other related agri-giants). This bill will require
organic farms to use specific
fertilizers and poisonous insect sprays dictated by the
newly formed agency to "make sure there is no danger to
the public food supply". This will include backyard
gardens that grow food only for a family and not for sales.

If this passes then NO more heirloom clean seeds but only
Monsanto genetically altered seeds that are now showing up
with unexpected diseases in humans.

There is a video on the subject.
[www.youtube.com]

And another one:
[www.youtube.com]

The name on this outrageous food plan is:
Food Safety Modernization Act of 2009 (bill HR 875).
THIS IS REAL, FOLKS! PASS THIS ALONG TO ALL CONCERNED ON
YOUR MAILING LISTS & CALL YOUR SENATE REPRESENTETIVES
TODAY!
Get on that phone and burn up the wires. Get anyone else
you can to do the same thing. The House and Senate WILL pass
this if they are not massively threatened with loss of their
position.... They only fear your voice and your vote.
The best thing to do is go to www.house.gov/writerep
all you have to do is put in your zip and it will give you
your congressperson and how to get in touch with them. When
you call their office someone will answer the phone, just
tell them (politely) that you are calling to express your
views on HR 875.
Tell them your views, they'll take your name and
address and pass your comments along to the congressperson.

The following link is a list of the U.S. senators and their
contact info:
[www.senate.gov]

in greener pastures

2009-06-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

improvements on the ol homestead continue. here's our funky new chic-coop!

stay tuned - we're sketching goat pens now....

highs oh low

2009-06-03T23:07:00.000-07:00

hello again my dear sweet invisibles. i've missed our connections dearly. this last year has been a whirl of activity here on our mountain. somehow it seems to have passed without ceremony as i have been lack slack ass in the accounting dept. not many photos taken fewer words spoken. it came time to get creative and buckle and invest in some sanity (i went out and bought myself a wireless card) and give myself the gift again and challenge of internet... i can't delve into detail just yet - but i can say this my friends - i'm less than whole without you. you my family. you my mentors. you my silent watchers and think-inkers.
my surroundings are a mess just now. but my soul is shining though the dust fairies and the folds. i just can't watch alone any longer and not be able to share.

snapshots

2009-06-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

in a blink

2009-05-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

time is... well. it is what is is. hard to describe in a sentence or a smile... i know my babes are getting too big and i've missed more than a mama should miss of the growth. i've been busy keeping my head on the level and the grit and grime within health codes...i blink. i look up to find a my first wearing my clothes. the boy child completing a year of montessori. and a baby girl taking steps. i look up and see they are not the only ones to change. i evolve as well. growth doesn't end when our height settles on a number of collaboration. trying not to blink. trying to see clearly when eyes are open. trying to be respond {to what i see when eyes are open} with integrity... in each blink of the eye we are given one more chance to do what is right.

growin' season

2009-04-23T17:25:00.000-07:00

FREE SUNSHINE!

2009-03-26T15:21:00.000-07:00

freethepoor.org -

the "Big Easy" ain't always easy

2009-03-06T17:12:00.000-08:00

spent this week in the great N.O. reconnecting with family of long...

looking into the eyes of laughter and life lived fully...

seeing we are all just another breath away from this body's end...

cruel and harsh realities flavored and seasoned in true southern fashion. it's filling our bellies. killing all reason and it sure is beautiful...

testing of wings

2009-02-13T21:45:00.001-08:00

never realized just how much you held my babe - til she missed your arms.

you spread your wings. test the waters of youth. heartbreaks. bliss of love rediscovered.

you must leap from our nest to fly. we send our love on the wind...

and now for something completely different

2009-02-13T21:39:00.001-08:00

pat gahn and the infamous green machine have combined their collective effort...

tomorrow we release the new cd and boy-howdy...

we will rock this lil 'ol town!

count your sheep

2009-01-29T17:08:00.000-08:00

our days start in the dusk of dawn...

learning and growing is no easy business. yet rewarding as all get out...

the day ends when we finally scrub the dirt from our bodies. hard earned and well caked dirt...

bodies fall deep into the folds and fluff. dreamtime our second play time. and we count our blessing and bounty...

Saturn Return

2009-01-16T19:31:00.000-08:00

the goats celebrated their respective birthdays on the tenth. burning things under the full moon as good little hippies are wont to... as i enter into my 'Saturn Return' i expect all good to come. i welcome the trials by fire. truths blowing in on the winds. i go inward to reflect. reconnect. rediscover. reduce the useless...

country-fried psychedelic blues

2009-01-16T12:08:00.000-08:00

wishing you...

2009-01-11T16:14:00.000-08:00

in this new year... peace and reclamation of soul and substance...

words in some particular order

2008-12-27T20:20:00.000-08:00

Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
You been out ridin fences for so long now
Oh, youre a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin you
Can hurt you somehow

Don you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
Shell beat you if shes able
You know the queen of heats is always your best bet

Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you cant get

Desperado, oh, you aint gettin no youger
Your pain and your hunger, theyre drivin you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, thats just some people talkin
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Dont your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky wont snow and the sun wont shine
Its hard to tell the night time from the day
Youre loosin all your highs and lows
Aint it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why dont you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin, but theres a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before its too late

elvish days

2008-12-25T18:26:00.000-08:00

wishing all a happy. love

or we could build a house

2008-12-05T23:48:00.000-08:00

the lovely sarah is still with us. i cannot begin to word what a blessing she is. at times my nanny - daughter - sister - friend. we TALK . we laugh. we coo over wee ones. she has been an inspiration.
the plan is to build. here on the mountain. and soon. we dream together. we check books from the library and look at pics. homes of substance. homes that house and last and don't rely on the system.
the immediate goal is to have the fire-pit done by our birthdays. we will dance under the moon and have a "burning woman" of our own.
when the question arises "what shall we do today?" it is a simple list - followed by "OR WE COULD BUILD A HOUSE"!
and we will...

this is bedtime

2008-12-05T22:57:00.000-08:00

grateful dead on the radio and children on the floor!

roll with it

2008-12-05T22:39:00.000-08:00

this last month has been yet another fly by. too much happens. too little said. thanksgiving for us was spent n bed. the next day found us in mexico and a two hour root canal. counting our blessings...
i'm thankful to live so close to the border. we can fill any scripts that come our way. i met a dentist i like and TRUST. if we weren't in LOVE with our midwife - we'd have the worlds best OB just across the line.... i do love mexico for it's smiles and color and the fact that your "chart and record" is a postcard. all paid in cash at a rate you can afford.... just roll a few miles down.

my babes are growing so fast. i feel old. the eldest just asked for a hair chop and it is grand. the middle is a roller-coaster of laughs and sighs. our baby bird has fallen head over heels for "mmmmm" bananas. let's go.

we have love in or days. we have laughter in dreams. we have a winter of sun. we are rollin'.

I'll eat the table then

2008-12-01T09:27:00.000-08:00

The babe wants FOOD! When we eat she wants to be at the table. She grabs for anything in reach and the drool flows.

When we scoot everything out of reach she starts gnawing the table! making our mealtime fun...

Rest assured - the babe is NOT starving - look at the thighs....

our colorful chaos

2008-11-30T12:28:00.000-08:00

a change long due

2008-11-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

pool in the desert

2008-11-13T21:02:00.000-08:00

bar flies

2008-11-13T20:56:00.000-08:00

daddy plays and children play...

born to me

2008-11-13T20:10:00.001-08:00

I have seen where the wolf has slept by the silver stream.
I can tell by the mark he left, you were in his dream.
Ah child of countless trees, ah child of boundless seas.

What you are, and what you're meant to be
Speaks his name, though you were born to me,
Born to me, Cassidy.

Lost now on the country miles in his Cadillac.
I can tell by the way you smile, he is rolling back.
Come wash the nighttime clean, come grow the scorched ground green.

Blow the horn, and tap the tambourine.
Close the gap of the dark years in between
You and me, Cassidy.

Quick beats in an icy heart, catch colt draws a coffin cart,
There he goes and now here she starts, hear her cry.

Flight of the seabirds
Scattered like lost words,
Wield to the storm and fly.
Fare thee well now, let your life proceed by it's own design.
Nothing to tell now, let the words be yours, I'm done with mine.
Fare thee well now, let your life proceed by it's own design.
Nothing to tell now, let the words be yours, I'm done with mine.

--grateful dead

of course NOW we'll need a goat...

2008-10-08T08:20:00.000-07:00

when pat met this guy he just couldn't pass him up...

meet shiloh. the newest addition to the fam.. the sweetest horse i've ever met. th7's dream come true...

our little bird

2008-10-06T10:35:00.000-07:00

3 rollin' by

2008-10-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

we celebrated early...

had an "ORANGE PARTY" as per the wishes of a boy...

home made pizza. and 'orange cake'. handmade decoration...

loved ones. another year below our belt. our boy is three...

*photo props - sar-RAH!

perspective

2008-10-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

with three adults and three kiddos in the house now we have actually been marking notes on the calendar... we actually look at it now and cross our days off as they pass... we have become organized. wild times i tell ya. last month i had the bright idea (after a bad day) to "X"out our bad days. september has passed and ONE day was "X"'d out. we have not invented the markings for minor frustrations - no need to really i suppose - but it is nice to look back on a whole month and realize there was only one day out of many that was a collective bummer... lalala

bliss is this

2008-09-28T20:28:00.000-07:00

coming off a roller coaster there is that weebly moment of disorientation. the moment where your adrenaline levels out. the moment of a sigh and respect for the ground beneath your feet. in a moment of focus you see the earth around you anew. in a moment - for a moment - it is a pure high....

that moment has not been a moment. it lives on and going strong. for months i have been suspended in that moment of bliss. of seeing the little things as the most important in my life. moments of love shining through the eyes of my family. moments of new friendship formed. moments of unexplicable joy and greatfullness. moments that just haven't yet found their end.